Winona Ryder Bio

Then, one day, they moved back to normalville, and eleven year old Winona had to go to 'school'.

And there was a BIG problem... HUGE.

You see, being a hippie, little Noni tended to do what she liked: she wore the clothes she liked, had her hair how she liked it—short (cuz it's easier when tree climbing and skateboarding)—and, in general, she behaved like, well, like a little hippie...

The normal kids thought she was 'a boy.'

(Whoops...)

In fact, they thought she was a bit of a girly-boy—faggy.

(Uh-oh...)

Fagginess, at that school, was a major crime—and that's why the 'real' boys beat him up on her very first day.

(Bummer.)

Then they shoved her in a locker.

(Suckage.. Major suckage..)

She was okay though: only one busted rib, a few cuts and some bruises; the hospital let her home the same day and everything...

So then the kids were advised that Winona was technically 'a girl' and therefore could not be beat on no more. So, they made fun of her instead. All the time. Even the girls made fun—that's how popular was Winona.

After a while, it was like getting beat up in the, um, 'heart area'—it was all a bit emotional/psychological and...

...But we don't talk about that stuff, cos it's too icky, right?

She did try to fit in—it's not like she was deliberately weird just to annoy people.
But Winona could not fit in and be herself at the same time.
It was the rules.

It didn't even help that she was good at skateboarding. It was true: she could skateboard like old Picasso could paint. But, alas, her Top Gun skatiness just made things worse...

So then she tried growing her hair out—long and natural—like 'a girl.'
But the other kids laughed even more than before—because with her very dark eyes and very pale skin, her long blonde hair looked fake.. even though it wasn't fake...

So then she dyed it black—so it would look real.

But that didn't work either—they called her a witch and threw cheeze whiz in her hair.

So then she cut it back again—real, real short. And that made things even worse..

This went on a while...

And eventually, because the cheeze whiz was getting in her books, and because the school said she was a 'disruptive influence' (with her bruised and witchy looks) and because of some other stuff that's too rotten to go into here, Winona was removed from school.

Lucky Girl...

Winona was then schooled at home. It turned out that Rye Bread had an I.Q. of 2,678.73 (or there-abouts).
So, she was able to learn lots of stuff at home—no probs—and read 41, 672, 868 books before age sixteen.

[ Though it should be noted that this total does include 41, 669, 214 re-reads of "The Catcher In The Rye" by J.D. Salinger. ]

By the way, when she was about twelve she had a near death experience—she nearly drowned. The life-guard fished her out—just in time—and when he gave her mouth-to-mouth, out came three quarts of Pacific and a two foot thresher shark...

Eeeeew!

Some time later, someone noticed that Winona's play acting was quite 'good'. So then she was sent to a prestigious acting place, down in San Francisco—where they wear flowers in their hair, etc—and then she was discovered by some capitalist movie bloke, and then she was famous, and then we all heard of her, etc, etc.

And that's the Winona Tomchin story, mostly.

But don't take it too seriously;

It's probably a lie.